There was a great sadness in our home.
The unseen sadness was passed on deep in my psyche.
The great sadness never left me, until...
I grew up with decent parents who took us to church regularly. Christian rules were good for avoiding a lot of trouble. But ever since I can remember, there was a great sadness in our home and in my life. When I was five years old, I remember pretending to be asleep in the car while we drove to my grandparents’ home for the first time because I didn’t want to get out and meet them. Dad was moody. I learned to keep my mouth shut around him. So then he made fun of me for being quiet. Years later, I learned about his abusive childhood. Amazingly he never abused us physically or sexually, but his tongue was sharp and cut my heart and soul. Mom was quiet and never said anything to him about how cruel his words were. My parents struggled from their own unseen abuse and lack of love. They did the best they could, but the unseen sadness was passed on deep in my psyche.
I moved out and went to university. I became a professional with a good job as a single woman. Life looked good, but the great sadness never left me. I continued going to church regularly but found very few true friends there. It was a show. It wasn’t safe to open up about what was really going on. There was no way to get help for doubts and problems because “good church people don’t have problems” supposedly.
Eventually, I married and had kids. The great sadness was mostly hidden. It was so familiar that I just took it for granted as part of life. As life’s stress increased and didn’t let up, the great sadness could no longer be ignored. I was a Christian, somehow walking in spiritual defeat. “God, why doesn’t my life match up to what’s in Your Bible?” “Why am I miserable?” “I want the real deal.”
I went to a Christian freedom retreat weekend and got saved! God never left my side all those years. He led me to His Tree of Life. As an older grey-haired woman, I finally SURRENDERED ALL of me and my life to Him. Everything I own, every person I hold dear, and every bit of my body and soul is His. He is in charge! The great sadness is gone! I feel exhilarated! Just like the people in the Bible, I can tell family and friends this story without feeling shy or embarrassed. It would have been embarrassing to tell people I’ve gone to church and followed the rules but haven’t surrendered to God the Creator! The freedom retreat was simply a place and time for me to bow my head and pray my own words of surrender.
I am happier. I don’t try to guess how things are going to turn out. It’s all in God’s capable hands. I can relax and trust Him. My free time (from not worrying) is welcomed by my family to spend with them. God is taking up the slack. He is replacing my emptiness and trepidation with love and boldness. Over time, it is a slow process of blossoming. Without love, we truly are nothing.
Every now and then, the Devil pours his custom marinade of self-pity over me. Sometimes, I wallow in it for a little while before recognizing it, remembering God is BIGGER than every life circumstance. If I quit, get anxious, or criticize, I am cursing and dishonoring Him. For the rest of my life, God is calling me out to HONOR HIM!
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