My childhood was pretty typical and wonderful. Both
of my parents are college graduates, and they both had fulltime jobs. Weekdays
were busy for them with their careers and having two beautiful girls. Weekends
and holidays were filled with time at the cabin, camping, fishing, cards, games , and a lot of laughter. On Sunday, our family habitually went to church and then
my grandfather’s restaurant. I had a wonderful childhood until that day: The
dreadful day of the divorce!
In that brief moment, my life changed drastically.
My mother called me down to the breakfast table before school and told me the
news. She was moving out, and we were staying with our dad! I could barely make
it to school. I walked to my best friend’s house, and her mother consoled me. I
was in shock! My parents had been married for 23 years! I was 12 years old.
Before long, my dad put an ad in the personals that
he was single and looking for a woman. To my dismay, a woman answered his
advertisement. Within a few months, we were selling my childhood home. My dad
was married to this woman, and we moved into a new home. We lived with my dad
for two years. It was a continual struggle for my father’s attention. My
stepmother was not ready for two adolescent girls. By the 9th Grade, I had made
the decision to move in with my mother. I did not see my father much after we
moved, and before too long he had decided that he never wanted to see me again!
My mother was working to get her master’s degree,
and we moved in with a man she dated in high school. Again, we were a burden to
the stepparent. I began to act out. I would ditch school. I would smoke, drink,
and smoke pot. Before long, I was expelled from school for selling pot out of
my locker. My mother sent me to live with my grandmother, which was just a half-mile away. She wanted to get me away from my little sister who was influenced
by my rebellious behavior. I felt like nobody loved me. I ran away. Two weeks
later, the police found me in a city in the mountains of Colorado. I was
admitted to a mental hospital for counseling and a psychological evaluation.
In the meantime, my mother had gotten her own
apartment. She had no idea what to do! Her time was consumed with college and
her career. I found some friends down the street that were five to six years
older than me. I would hang out there every day. Soon, I was having a sexual
relationship with a man. Before long, I was pregnant with my first daughter. We
got married, but the marriage lasted less than a year. I fell in love with
another man.
After the divorce, my grandmother bought me a house.
My new boyfriend and I were continually having keg parties with bands in the
basement. Our alcohol and drug use increased. Soon we were snorting cocaine,
and before too long we were smoking crack. My grandmother was starting to
notice that there was a problem. My boyfriend and I decided to pack up our
stuff in the middle of the night. His sister made a large amount of money being
a topless dancer in Houston, Texas. I thought I could work with her as a
waitress.
When we got to Houston I learned that I could not
serve drinks because I was underage. The club owner was willing to give me a
job as a dancer though! I began making thousands of dollars a night. We
immediately found connections to cocaine. The next couple of years were a blur
of cocaine use. It was quite literally sex, drugs, and rock and roll. We were
living in hotel rooms, and we squandered our money on drugs. My boyfriend’s
parents found out how we were living and volunteered to take my daughter to
their home in Arkansas until we could clean up our act. We agreed it was the
best thing, and they came and got my daughter.
About a month had passed, and I was sick of myself!
I told my boyfriend that I was going to Arkansas whether he came with me or
not. We had sold our car for drugs, so I had no choice but to hitchhike to
Arkansas. We packed our belongings into backpacks and hit the road. Somewhere
along the highway, a man picked us up in a pickup truck. He told us that he
would drive us to the next town. We jumped in the bed of the truck and began
driving. When we got to the next town the man asked us to jump into the front
of the truck with him. He said that he had heard from the Lord and that he was
supposed to take us several hundred miles out of his way. I was very shocked
and surprised at this man’s statement. I knew there had to be a God, and I was
thankful that He still cared for me even as I was.
We settled in a little town in Arkansas. We were
free and clear of the hard drugs, and soon we had earned trust from my
boyfriend’s parents. My daughter was returned to me. In the next couple of
years, I had a pretty stable lifestyle. I got married. I got my GED and
completed a two-year Associate of Science degree. However, I was not completely
drug-free. We continued to drink alcohol, smoke pot, and smoke cigarettes. I
occasionally attended church, but I never had a born again relationship with
Jesus. Eventually, my 13-year relationship with my second husband came to an abrupt
end. I was in much anguish over the former lifestyle we had lived. I chose not
to forgive him. I was looking for love, true love. I wanted something like my
father’s love that I had felt so long ago.
I met husband number three at a
local bar. Before long, I was pregnant. Sometime after the birth of my
daughter, I developed carpal tunnel and began to use narcotic pain medication.
Our marriage only lasted two years. This time, my bad decisions and a bad judge
of character left me as a single mother of two girls. I was so lost. I could
not afford to support my girls plus a pain pill addiction. I could not put down
the pills. I returned to dancing to meet my financial needs.
During this period, I would run
every day at a wildlife sanctuary. I remember falling to my knees on the trail
and asking God to please send me a Godly man who would love me and my children.
My heart literally loathed what I was doing to survive, but there was no way
out. I earnestly cried for the help of God! Within the next couple of weeks, at a
Halloween party, God answered my prayer. I met a man that I fell in love with.
However, it would be a while until he evolved into that Godly man!
This man was a traveling
salesman from Indiana. We fell head over heels in love. He immediately told me
that he would take care of my financial needs if I would quit my job as a
topless dancer. I was overwhelmed with joy, and I agreed! In the next couple of
years, we drank alcohol and took plenty of pills. Occasionally, we would also do
crystal meth. Before long my boyfriend has offered a job an hour away, so I put
my house on the market. My oldest daughter had enough. She decided to move in
with her father. Soon I moved away from my daughter, my sister, and my long
time home.
Before long, I found myself
expecting my third child. Because of my pain pill use, my doctor referred me to
a methadone clinic every day while I was pregnant. My boyfriend had started a
successful company that was making a lot of money. He would work six weeks
straight and then have three or four weeks off. During this downtime, he began
to use crystal meth. After the birth of our son, I did crystal meth with my
boyfriend a couple of times. I began to hate the drug. I went back to pain
pills and Adderall use. My boyfriend would turn into a monster when he used
meth. He would see demons when he was high. He was very paranoid and
delusional. He lost his business.
I was at the end of my rope. I
was losing the man that I loved. I had already lost my oldest daughter and my
home. There was no one to help me. I was inspired to read the Bible by a friend
down the street. She was praying for me! I began to read the Bible and listen
to Christian music. I would worship God and cry out to Him. I remember rolling
on the floor literally crying out in tears, “Jesus, help me!” Isaiah 58:9 “Then
you shall call, and the Lord will answer; you shall cry, and He will say, Here
I am.” I felt the Holy Spirit telling me to pack everything up and move to
Indiana. I obeyed.
We came to Indiana with two
children: my second daughter and our son. We were away from the meth, but I
continued on with the pills. Hebrews 12:5-6 “My son, do not make light of the
Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when He rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines
the one He loves, and He chastens everyone He accepts as his son.” I was about
to be chastened! One night, I took a lot of Adderall. I went into Adderall's
psychosis, and I was out of my mind. I called the police, and they took me to
the hospital. I lost a chunk of my heart that night when the state took my two
remaining children into custody. My 18-month-old son was placed with his
grandmother who lived close by, but my four-year-old daughter was sent back to
her biological father in Arkansas.
John 10:10 “The thief does not
come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may
have life and that they may have it more abundantly.” The devil was going to
destroy my life, and I had enough. My heart could bear no more sadness.
Over the next year, I
completely surrendered my broken heart to God. I read the Bible and Bibles Tracts every day for hours on
end. My heart was set on following the Word of God. I went to church and
prayed. I got married. I quit smoking. I worked with the state to meet their
requirements to get my son back. I was put on a drug called Sub Oxone to help
wean me off of the pain medication. However, the Sub Oxone was just as
addictive as the narcotic pills. The doctors said there was a chance I would
have to take this medicine for the rest of my life! That was not the plan of my
God! Miraculously, I was completely delivered from every bondage. Psalm 118:5
“Out of my distress I called upon the Lord; the Lord answered me and set me
free.”
My husband continued to work on
the road as a traveling salesman. To my dismay, he began to fail the drug tests
that the state was giving him. He was doing meth on the road when he went on
business trips. The child service workers told me to leave my husband. The Word
of God said otherwise. I decided to stand on the Word of God, and my God is
faithful! After one year, the state decided to return our son. Two days before
the return of my son, my husband had a relapse! The state returned my son to me
anyhow! It was a miracle!
Today, I am free. God has given
me the desires of my heart. My relationships with my daughters have been
restored, and God has given me a fourth child. My husband is doing extremely
well in business and even better in the business of the Lord. God is using our Christian testimony to give people hope. The Word of God says there will
still be storms in life, but I am confident that my God will be by my side. He
is my healer, my deliverer, my counselor, my judge, my provider, and my banner.
He set me free! He has truly given me abundant life! I am forever grateful! I
have finally found the love of a Father!
I pray that whoever finds my
story will know that there is no situation too great for God! It is never too
late to call out to Jesus. He loves you, He forgives you, and He desires a
personal relationship with you. Revelation 3:20 “Behold, I stand at the door
and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come into him
and dine with him, and he with me.”
