It seems like it was always Christmas time when things would fall apart for me. But one Christmas . . .
It was Christmas time, the season in which you celebrate family and friends and shower each other with gifts and love. I was only three years old that year. The memories are vague, but the hospital room that my daddy died in still lingers in my mind. Why did he have to go? Why did he have to have a brain tumor? Why didn’t I ever really get to know him? I’ve often wondered what he was like. I was too little to remember, but oh how I wished I could remember him. I’m sure he was a loving daddy.
My mother was left to raise four children under the age of five, and she did the best she knew how to. It must have been overwhelming for her. I was too young to really understand how much this would affect her life and the lives of my siblings and me.
A few short years later when I was only six, she remarried and I had no idea what would follow. I didn’t know what to think about having a step dad until one day he started doing things to me that a daddy shouldn’t do. This went on for about three years. I was old enough to know that these things could not be right. This surely wasn’t what a daddy was supposed to be like, was it? And if it was, I surely didn’t need a daddy or ever want a daddy.
I hate those memories --- many of which are blocked out of my mind but have haunted me for years. I didn’t have many friends. I kept to myself probably because of the shame in my heart from him violating me. My mom found out what he was doing and quickly packed us up with only what we could carry on us and one favorite toy each. She rushed us onto a plane that safely returned us to our home. I thank the Lord my mom didn’t hesitate to protect us once his violations were exposed.
We lived with my grandfather for a short time until he died. Again, another man vanished from my life. Were there any daddies out there that were good and wouldn’t die?
My second step dad came into the picture several years later. He wasn’t like my first step dad. He treated us well and took care of us . . .
Until one Christmas morning, when he was nowhere to be found. Where was he?
He had checked himself into a hospital, and I never saw him again after that. I can only guess that the responsibility of raising four children that were not his own was too much for him. Is THIS what a daddy was supposed to do? Just leave when things get rough? How would I EVER know what a REAL dad was supposed to be like?
It seemed that it was always Christmas when things fell apart for me . . .
My mom went back to school and became a nurse. She remarried again and has been married to my step dad for over 25 years now. Since that time, God has blessed me with a godly husband who is a loving and caring father to our children and a loving and caring husband to me. I can trust him, and he is faithful. His father was a true testament to me of what a real father should be like. It grieved my heart when he went home to be with my Heavenly Father, but he touched my heart in a special way.
If you’ve had a daddy or a step dad or someone else close to you that has hurt you in painful ways, please tell someone. Don’t hide it away. God never intended for his children to be abused, misused, or humiliated. In my pain, I made some wrong choices that have affected my life. The devil would have liked to destroy me. But I found victory through my living Father who is still doing a great work in me today. Won’t you run into the arms of the best Father of all? His name is Jesus.
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